


All Sad Words

by thecat_13145



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-05
Packaged: 2018-02-20 00:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2408861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecat_13145/pseuds/thecat_13145
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truly tragic thing about it, was that neither of them were what the other wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Sad Words

The truly tragic thing about it, was that neither of them were what the other wanted.

Barnes was too tall and his arms too long for Roger, and Falsworth accepted that he was too dark, too wiry for Steve. 

But what they wanted, they couldn’t have. 

Roger was in Europe and Falsworth knew too much about SOE to hold out much hope he’d ever see him again. And Steve, in Barnes’s words, wasn’t queer.

_“God only knows I wish he was.” Barnes muttered, his nasally Brooklyn tones so different from the Scouse twang that crept back into Roger’s voice in the heights of their passion, “But I’ve done everything except get into bed naked with him.” He paused and reconsidered. “Actually, I’ve tried that. But he can’t even contemplate what I want.”_

Privately, Falsworth wondered if Steve was well aware of what his friend was offering, but chose to ignore it, just like he chose to ignore the stares and ill-mannered comments that followed Gabe around, the bruises that Morita frequently sported, and him and Barnes obviously. 

The captain was a great man, but he was also in the middle of a warzone, leading what could kindly be describe as a rag tag bunch of misfits against a super power that’s holding most of Europe to ransom. He has to fight in the real world, not in the one he might desire and he did that by ignoring what he didn’t like of the real world.

Falsworth accepts that. He doesn’t understand it, but he can accept it, something that undoubtedly would surprise his sister, Jackie.

“When have you ever accepted something you can’t understand?” She’d demand, hands on her hips, curls falling out from under her WAAF cap. And it’s true. He’s always fought for an explanation, demanding a reason behind rules and traditions, never happy until he’s got one. It’s why his schooling records list over 20 different schools and academies. But then he met Roger and encountered this thing he couldn’t understand, couldn’t explain, but wanted. Wanted very much.

He’s never felt anything for women, but it doesn’t bother him. He likes them as friends, respects them, but he doesn’t want anything else from them. And he accepts that, just as he accepts that he likes his curry so hot that burns any normal person’s tongue (even the good Captain can’t stand it as hot as he can). “We can’t all like the same things,” As his mother used to say.

Barnes didn’t. Barnes would have given anything to stop feeling that way about Steve, about men, had tried everything.

_“Dames,” Barnes panted writhing above him. “Even Steve doesn’t know how many there’s being, big ones, small ones, dark, fair, even a couple like Gabe.” He changed his speed, grunting, “I’ve tried taking women up the ass. Even had a couple of them take me up the ass” (And a small part of Falsworth wanted to ask how exactly they did that) “But it never works it. It’s always Steve.” He came at that point, drawing the name of the man he truly wanted out in one long cry._

Faslsworth has never had any desire to hurt James or to blame him for not being Roger, so he was always careful not to use names, or when it couldn’t be avoided stick with something generic such as love or darling (which Barnes really hated). Just so in the darkness, when he kissed Barnes’s tears away, they could both pretend for a few seconds that everything is alright.

_“I want it to stop.” Barnes had whispered, staring at the ceiling. “I want to be the best friend Steve thinks I am, not this,” He waved his hand around vaguely, taking in himself, the sagging campbed and Falsworth. “I just want it to stop.”_

James’s arms were really very long and he had a grip like a monkey when he set his mind to it. Perhaps he should have taken what Barnes said more seriously, perhaps he should have told someone (Not Steve, but Dugan or Dearnie). But perhaps the good captain saw the truth for once and Barnes just lost his grip. It can happen.

He looked again at the bundle Dugan was holding out towards him.

“I know you and Barnes were…” He trailed off, flushing to the roots of his flaming red hair and if the whole situation (the truly pathetic bundle of a couple of uniforms, a suit of civilian clothes, three well-worn books and a couple of photos that is all Barnes life is reduced to, the feelings in his chest, Dugan’s embarrassment and discomfort) wasn’t so tragic, he’d laugh at the cliché.

He stops his hand before they can reach for one of the books (Homer’s the Iliad, because his father took a copy of it to war with him and Barnes had never read it).

“Give them to the Captain.” He said, forcing the words out in an even tone. “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Dugan’s face contracts with pity and he has to walk away before the other man can touch him and shatter his self control.


End file.
